Taxis

Apoplectic - Posted on May 12, 2015 — 2 min read

Taxis, wonderful things, will scoop you up at any time of day or night and whisk you to your destination in some level of comfort.

Give me maps or give me death.

Furious - Posted on January 28, 2015 — 2 min read

There are some things in life that are annoying, their are some that are infuriating. The difference is often how hard it would be for some idle bureaucrat fix the bloody issue. When constructing a public transport network its prudent to have more than one line, maybe as many as 4, each with a few stops! Which presents a problem, how will a passenger know which on to take to get where they want to go?

Will this persecution never end?

Incandescent Rage - Posted on March 27, 2010 — 3 min read

Once more I have been affronted, once more I have interacted with society, once more I have shown mercy in the face of stupidity, once more I have just about managed not to bludgeon someone to death with a tire iron, once more I encounter my nemesis!

How about I just jam my fingers in the socket?

Apoplectic - Posted on December 22, 2009 — 5 min read

So I live in a flat, a flat that’s in lovely Londontown, as such it’s got this wonderful new thing plumbed in. The awe inspiring amazement that is electricity!

Do you mind if I just take a crap on your face?

Apoplectic - Posted on October 19, 2009 — 4 min read

Sometime last week I awoke from a pleasant Sunday slumber with a bout of minor back arghhh. A twinge of pain, a spasm of ache, but nothing too bad, I ignored it and hopped onto the bike and popped to work for a day of exciting graft. Later that day after 7 hours of fun filled keyboard tapping I made my way home. I rustled up a tasty dinner and sat down to watch some guff on the TV or play some game or other. Life was good, well briefly occupied with some pointless activity at least; I decided to celebrate with a yoghurt! I got up and skipped to the fridge, only I didn’t, I ended up hobbling like an old man, bent double with back knack. Ow ow ow! Bollocks, I’ve finally broken myself, so this is the future is it.

Are you a criminal?

Apoplectic - Posted on August 10, 2009 — 4 min read

So I was in delightful Bristoltown at the weekend to take in a boat trip, spy some balloon and imbibe some local booze in the form of cider.

Hope and Charity

Enraged - Posted on July 3, 2009 — 3 min read

Whilst in Washington of late I noticed some things, it was hot and it was spacious. The spaciousness was filled with many things, monuments, government buildings and, joy of joys, countless charity folk.

Communists of the world annoy!

Furious - Posted on June 20, 2009 — 4 min read

Resigned to my fate of 8 hours on a plane for a trip to the USo’A I packed my bags and casually made my way to the aerodrome, with what I assumed was plenty of time, for I do so hate to be late. On arrival I was greeted with a scene more akin to, what I imagine, a Morrisons supermarket might look like on cheap gin Wednesday. People everywhere, most of them looking confused and irate whilst trying desperately to work out which queue to join. One hapless drunk/traveller even had the temerity to screech at an overly made up employee who happened to be passing:

Is that the sound of the fashion police?

Enraged - Posted on June 12, 2009 — 4 min read

Whilst wending my way to and fro my work place sporting my spiffy yet unpleasantly bright 2 years old Chelsea away kit that’s been discussed previously I often receive what can best be described as blindingly idiotic comments.

But, but, I’m Old!

Enraged - Posted on April 7, 2009 — 2 min read

As I wend my way home from another day at the grind stone I tire as the wind works against me. I dodge and weave the morons who seem determined to hurl themselves under me wheels but finally make it to my road unscathed. I swing into the little lane that leads to my first front door. As usual of late it’s full of crap: a skip, sacks of building rubble, bricks and so on.

I fought the law and I may or may not have won.

Incandescent Rage - Posted on March 12, 2009 — 4 min read

Now that the new shopping Mecca has opened up at Westfield the powers that be deemed it sensible to improve the transport links and so rustled up a nice spanking new rail station. A station that handily server the wild and dangerous South of London.

Change! No, it seems we can’t!

Apoplectic - Posted on February 24, 2009 — 3 min read

Nothing is more likely to send someone into a rage as change. Not just any kind of change mind you. Some change is great, a change of bed sheets is ace, a change of salary, in the upward direction, is always welcome, a change in job can herald a wonderful change in life.

Defeat!

Incandescent Rage - Posted on February 12, 2009 — 6 min read

Continuing my efforts to keep the even more ailing economy afloat I sallied forth once more to the heart of London’s capitalist experience that is Westfield in order to wine, dine and spend spend spend. On the agenda today is meeting my Mother for dinner, seeing if Sports Direct has any of last seasons Chelsea away kits and buying a TV.

I knew you should never trust a gasheads.

Furious - Posted on February 18, 2009 — 6 min read

Several days ago I received a lovely letter from Mr Gas man, he politely informed me that:

Big box, little box, big box, little box.

Furious - Posted on January 26, 2009 — 4 min read

It will come as no surprise to learn that using the public highways, in all their glorious forms, gives rise to an incredible amount of potential rage. Almost all the users of said roads are clearly out to cause as much outrage as is humanly possible during their pointless journeys. This is especially true of the ones that are on trips to drop their darling little Tarquins and Tabithas off at their local prep schools in cars so big I’m surprised they can even see whether the kid is sat in it or not such is the distance from window to seat.

Slow coach double whammy

Furious - Posted on January 12, 2009 — 4 min read

After a fine hour or two perusing the fine fare on the aisle of my local supermarket I took my trolley, laden with goodies (and non alcoholic beer), towards the checkout in an endeavour to pay.

Beer outrage

Furious - Posted on December 4, 2008 — 4 min read

I wended my way to Westfield again in a vain effort to keep the ailing economy on it’s feet, such a financial hero that I am. I decided that lunch was the order of the day and so descended upon Pho, a pseudo Vietnamese noodle bar establishment.

Down with Christmas – Part 3

Enraged - Posted on December 15, 2008 — 3 min read

I had call to buy a suit the other weekend, I perused the available options, visited several outlets, weighted up the cost to quality ratio and in the end plumbed for a natty little number in fetching bright red, with a built in hood no less. It came with a nice belt, and according to the bumph, in the packaging, a beard.

Paper

Furious - Posted on December 17, 2008 — 3 min read

"Mummy, do you have some paper”

Booze booze booze.

Angry - Posted on November 10, 2008 — 4 min read

So we have more outrage on the news at the levels of boozing that is going on, people are getting spannered and causing trouble in town centers the length and breadth of this fair land, children dropping dead in their thousands from cognac overdoses, old men are running riot, high on alcopop sugar rushes.

Down with Christmas – Part 1

Incandescent Rage - Posted on November 1, 2008 — 3 min read

I hear on the news today that the worlds seems to be in a bit of a financial pickle at the moment Apparently there are a number of people who don’t have enough money, a few nations are short of a herring or two and some banks have stopped giving out free pens to cut costs.

Down with Christmas – Part 2

Enraged - Posted on November 17, 2008 — 3 min read

I got a Christmas card at the weekend, a full 39 days before the true horror of Christmas should really begin. I find this a little early to be honest, that said I would find any card that gets here before the 24th early and thus thoroughly unwanted, unlike cards that come on the 24th that are just plain unwanted.

Super Fruit.

Furious - Posted on November 24, 2008 — 4 min read

I’ve been feeling under the weather for a couple of days, racked with a terrible ague, struck down with a horrifying case of the pox, cursed with a vile bout of plague! Oh OK, I was feeling a bit ill, probably a slight cold or something, maybe the dreaded man flu… who knows.

Bus hag

Apoplectic - Posted on November 26, 2008 — 4 min read

In my state of continued mild addledness I thought it better to get the nice warm bus to work again today. What a woeful error, for the more you use the chav wagon, the more chance there is to be infuriated by one of the morons that use them. Today my luck failed me again and I was forced to deal with a crazy old woman, you know the type, gets on the bus, mutters to themselves for the whole journey, blunders about like they own the thing always gets a seat in the end as people shuffle to the other side of the bus just to avoid a conversation.

Wow this is a nice house.

Furious - Posted on November 20, 2008 — 5 min read

In an effort to keep the ailing Westfield open during this credit crisis I have committed to spending as much time and money there as possible. With this in mind I hotfooted it there again yesterday to throw away some hard earned pennies on an evening of tasty Mexican food and tastier Mexican beer at Wahaca with an old friend. It was quite a pleasant venue, for about 12 seconds, until a rage was induced by the serving staff. Firstly they did that infuriating, I presume American, thing of telling me their name and job title.

Tube woe.

Furious - Posted on November 15, 2008 — 4 min read

The tube has been causing much angst in the last two days. Firstly, yesterday I had to suffer the audio atrocity that was a busker at Notting Hill station. Now, as you might imagine, I’m not a fan of buskers at the best of times, they all fall in to two camps, the awful and the very awful. OK, that’s a lie, some of them do have a talent, it’s just a talent I never want to hear whilst whisking myself about Londontown on public transport. This is a fact that will remain true until the day I catch some underground minimal tech house Djing action, a day I never expect to see.

We are at war people, WAR I say!!

Furious - Posted on November 7, 2008 — 4 min read

My body, my brain and I have been at loggerheads of late, I try to mediate between the two but there is no joy it seems. They are determined to stitch each other up at every available opportunity.

A tale of two Donnies and an Oyster

Furious - Posted on October 19, 2008 — 4 min read

The other day as I was making my way to work I had a slight spot of oyster bother. It seemed that there was some trouble reading my card. Beep beep beep but no joy, eventually however the barriers deigned to do a red sea and part for me thus giving me access to the wonderful tube network.

Yes…. I am sure.

Apoplectic - Posted on October 12, 2008 — 4 min read

I made the mistake of visiting Tescos today whilst shopping in Ealingtown. Well, you might say two mistakes, firstly entered the vile place, secondly I selected some non-alcoholic booze from the shelf, but I have a good reason for the second error… honest…

The internet is dead.

Apoplectic - Posted on October 27, 2008 — 4 min read

That’s it people, the internet is no longer useful, we might as just stop the whole thing now and shut it down. We can use the soon to be empty internet tubes to pipe maple syrup into everyone’s home to facilitate tastier pancakes for all.

Lo sgombro non e’ piu’ disponibile

Angry - Posted on October 22, 2008 — 2 min read

I went out for dinner yesterday, it was a nice evening, food was wolfed, booze was swilled, conversation was had.

No, it seems you can’t help me.

Incandescent Rage - Posted on October 20, 2008 — 4 min read

In an effort to not have more tube based barrier angst I thought it might be a good idea to call up my credit card people and do something about this stupid card thing.

Planet haters.

Furious - Posted on October 16, 2008 — 3 min read

Hello dear cleaners, I’ve a few pointers on how to do your job. Now, I’m not telling you how to do your job of course, no that would be rude but there are some, well one really, basic tips that I think you might like to follow to avoid future savage beatings by desperately hung over staff fervently seeking rehydration. 1) STOP STEALING THINGS FROM MY DESK!

Size does matter.

Furious - Posted on October 9, 2008 — 4 min read

Casting my mide back to the days of yore (just before the Jacobean era I believe, it was all green fields and rolling hills at the very least) I remember fondly going shopping as a youth to some ghastly supermarché or other (before Carrefore seemed to disappear from British shores). During such shopping sprees items would be purchased, amongst which would be washing powder, that would come in bloody huge weighty boxes. Boxes which I quickly learnt from scanning the active compounds contained about 10% cationic and non-ionic surfactants, that’s soap to you and me, the rest consisted of this and that, whiteners, water balancers and so on but a whopping 50% ish was pure filler. Nothing a all to do with washing, just their to make the box look big and the value better. What a scam, I was lugging bazillions of kilo’s of nothing about, and paying (well a parent was paying, but that’s my inheritance they were squandering) for the displeasure of back ache. I felt bitter, cheated and enraged.

Vote NOW!!!

Enraged - Posted on October 1, 2008 — 3 min read

It’s your duty to start voting now! There are some very important issues at stake. You see, we NEED to know the answer to many, many, questions. Which is better, Canada or the USoA*, Sweden or Norway**, My feckless ex school co-atendees or the feckless ingrates that went to the other local plebeian educational establishment***.

I knew going to work was a bad idea.

Enraged - Posted on October 7, 2008 — 2 min read

Firstly when going to work I like to be able to leave my house, I say like, I mean have to in order to get paid. Trouble is some obnoxious Toyota hilux (huge wanky pickup truck thing) owning oik keeps parking in my little side road making it almost impossible to get past.

Worst… week… ever…

Enraged - Posted on October 11, 2008 — 4 min read

Whilst idly drifting towards Waitrose this after noon enjoying the winter sun I was narrowly pipped to the trolley rank by some bumbling old buffoon who grabbed the first trolley. They then proceeded to just stand there faffing about with some tat left by the previous shopper rather than getting the hell out of my way so I could get a trolley and proceed to stocking up on tasty fare. Luckily for them I managed to contain the anger just long enough and did not just barge them out the way and kick them to the ground as a salutary lesson in moving on expediently.

Yellow Shop.

Angry - Posted on October 3, 2008 — 3 min read

Sometimes its good to treat oneself to a nice contractor lunch and idly wonder what it’s like to be rich enough to afford special yellow shop food every day. Whilst idly wondering such thing, with hot food in hand, in the queue waiting to hand over half the GDP of Djibouti for the can of fancy Italian beverage and a couple of slices of pizza what I don’t want to see is some stupid bint at the till trying to pay for a dozen different meals in complicated set of combined transactions.

Youts on the loose.

Furious - Posted on October 26, 2008 — 4 min read

Once upon a time, a one, Vincent Gambini had cause to defend a couple of youts who had been wrongly accused of murdering the sack of suds store clerk. Luckily, no one can pull the wool over the eyes of a Gambini and these youts were cleared of murder once we learn about a thing or two about positraction and 1960’s metallic mint green convertibles. However, to two urchins I was forced to encounter this weekend were clearly guilty, of many many crimes…

Acid attack

Incandescent Rage - Posted on September 19, 2008 — 2 min read

Oh how fun, waking up at 5 am in need of the toilet, pondering if this is a sign of the old age that looms close round the corner. Get up, use toilet, go back to bed flip light switch back off ALARM ALARM ALARM. Wow that’s odd why have a fire alarm switch next to the bed. Oh no wait that is just a fire alarm DAMNIT I have to get up. Stumble out wait wait wait, oh this is a not a drill. 3.5 hours later, one HCL acid spill later I am very tired, and cross.

Ajax

Enraged - Posted on September 16, 2008 — 1 min read

Hello I’m Ajax, I like cleaning toilets, playing football and stabbing nasty Trojans, sometimes, just sometimes, I like to tinker about with web paged to do some fancy stuff with external data.

Clickety clack, clickety clack.

Enraged - Posted on September 24, 2008 — 2 min read

I am sure everyone knows the story about the little train going about it’s daily business. It goes something like – "A little black train goes down the track. clickety clack, clickety clack." (alas Amazon "look inside" prevents me from stealing more of this copyrighted material)

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right.

Apoplectic - Posted on September 27, 2008 — 3 min read

There are several things you don’t want to experience whilst staggering about Ealingtown catastrophically hung over from the previous night’s Gin bender. One of those is being asked to spare 5 minutes for charity, luckily this was not a problem today. Another thing you don’t want it a flaming racket being blared into both ears, especially when each ear is recieveing it’s own different din.

Crocs and socks, yeah.

Apoplectic - Posted on September 21, 2008 — 2 min read

One, youth, learn to damn well speak or at least if you must talk before gaining the basic skills in communication at least don’t speak loudly on buses into your stupid mobile phones about absolute crap. Also punctuation does not need to be spoken aloud and “yeah” is not a bloody punctuation mark even if, whilst I slept in today, the rules of spoken punctuation have suddenly changed. Also sitting on a bus talking about the best way to “do” a girl is somewhat less than ideal.

Do you have a deathwish.

Angry - Posted on September 28, 2008 — 3 min read

"HAVE ANY VIDEOS" blared the clearly deranged man almost running into the charity shop I was perusing books in.

Everything

Incandescent Rage - Posted on September 30, 2008 — 1 min read

The following things made me furious today

Can I help you?

Incandescent Rage - Posted on September 20, 2008 — 4 min read

Ah what a wonderful day, the sun is out the sky is blue, what could hamper such a wonderful day. Nothing at all that’s what. Well nothing other than the rage inducing people of Ealing town that is. Not all of the people obviously, there are some who stay at home, some that just pass by and some who might just be normal enough not to cause a bout of apoplexy. However there is a breed apart from these people and alas they all do the same thing, they work in shops, as sales assistance, and they like to annoy the bejesus out of people who have the audacity to put so much as a toe inside their store.

Key rage

Incandescent Rage - Posted on September 19, 2008 — 1 min read

This is the main source of my rage today, why doesit even exist, why? It might be sleeplesness rather than planet hating hotel chains I suppose but the result is the same, rage.

Lock the damn thing.

Enraged - Posted on September 23, 2008 — 3 min read

Locks, as we know have been around for at least 6000 odd years, that’s 6000 years in which knowledge of their usefulness and operation could filter down in to the mental consciousness of all but the simplest morons. Knowing this fact its quite a surprise that my upstairs neighbour seems totally unable to use the fucking things. Every single day I used to come home to find the front (1) door wide open to the world, I would proceed to front (2) door to find, yes you guessed it WIDE BLOODY OPEN. Now I confess that both had odd locks, one was a pain to shut and one you had to get out your key and explicitly lock it (no Yale lock here, oh no).

We can never let this happen again!

Incandescent Rage - Posted on September 13, 2008 — 2 min read

Only two days ago I was searching for trips to Egypt over New Year. XL came up on the search and I could have booked with them only yesterday. It is shocking that with this imminent collapse the company was still happy to take people’s money when they knew what was going to happen.There should be rules to prevent this sort of behaviour.

Numbers numbers

Angry - Posted on September 11, 2008 — 2 min read

What an interesting news day, a rage inducing news day. You might imagine that the downfall of the global markets might be a cause of spot anger. Not here, no today’s rage was induced by 73 people who apparently have just about enough brain power to use a phone.

Oyster FAIL.

Furious - Posted on September 25, 2008 — 3 min read

Right so buses are quite useful, however you do have to pay to use them, getting on one, swiping your oyster card and reviving a FAIL notice would suggest that you have not paid and thus don’t deserve travel. Standing there arguing with the beleaguered driver won’t change this fact, claiming that you have £10 on your card holds little water in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. The fact that your retarded friends have paid and gone up the stairs whilst shouting after you to hurry up won’t change the fact that you have failed to gain admission to this wonderful transport mechanism.

Salubrious West Ealing in bloom

Furious - Posted on September 12, 2008 — 3 min read

Not only are there no busses (apart from the 83, more on that in a bit) this morning due to some strike or other, I have to witness the curious act of the council fixing brackets and hanging baskets of flowers from my local street lights… Now call me seasonally naïve but isn’t spring or summer not better the time to do this. Surely this catastrophic waste of money will result in pots of dead flowers in a few weeks and a sense that the whole place is a festering craphole (silence Andy) so bad that that they can’t be bothered to take away the springs now long dead flower baskets. That and they were not even very nice ones, too much green not enough flower.