Raging into the void

Planet haters.

Posted on October 16, 2008 3 min read

Hello dear cleaners, I’ve a few pointers on how to do your job. Now, I’m not telling you how to do your job of course, no that would be rude but there are some, well one really, basic tips that I think you might like to follow to avoid future savage beatings by desperately hung over staff fervently seeking rehydration. 1) STOP STEALING THINGS FROM MY DESK!

I might be using the word stealing somewhat harshly, but I am incensed so to hell with reason. You see I like to be kind to the planet, I help little old toads across the road, I ensure that all my plutonium deposits are kept nice and tidy, I try to keep the use of plastic cups to a minimum. Unfortunately the cleaning staff at BBC towers seem hell bent on making me kill the planet, I can only assume that, like me, deep down they hate humanity and wish to hasten it’s demise by driving up consumption of petrochemicals to unsustainable levels.

What else could explain their continued desire to swipe nice reusable drinking vessels form my desk and tossing them in the bin. Fine, take the water bottles I steal from meeting if you must, there might be a deposit on them for all I know, but ones I buy are mine, stop taking them. A simple rule I find with “rubbish”, if it’s on my desk, I probably want it. If they were qualified to work out if I wanted it or not in my absence, they would not be cleaning for a living but picking up a Nobel prize for finally mastering demonstrably effective telepathy (after spending a couple of decades cleaning up at games of high stakes poker if they were sensible).

Christ, even sticking a sticker on the aforementioned bottles saying “DO NOT THROW ME AWAY” failed to register in their mind as a hint that I did not want it removed.

This is all very annoying as I’m sure any reader can sympathise with, but the most annoying thing about this whole sorry episode, they leave the actual rubbish on my desk all the time, they never seem to Hoover (they don’t use Hoovers of course, I just like to annoy patent pedants) and are generally pretty shit at keeping the place clean.

I’ve half a mind to write to the Daily Mail and have them all lynched.